Coffee and Sawdust
by Paragon Dragon
Summary: Tony reflects on what coffee and sawdust means to him. A Tibbs fic. Contains slash. Prequel to "Sarah".
1. Prologue

**Just a lit**t**le fic I had to get out of my head.  
**

* * *

Tony walked down the stairs to Gibbs' basement and seated himself on one of the lower steps. Silently he watched the older man work on his boat, listening to the soft sound of sandpaper on wood. It soothed him, for some reason. Maybe because he knew in his heart that this was something that never was going to change. 

He closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of sawdust. For the rest of his life, he would always connect that scent with safety. Because Gibbs was safety. He knew, just as he knew that the sun would rise in the east at dawn, that Gibbs would always watch his six, just as Gibbs could be sure the he always would watch his six. They had made that promise years ago, even though they had never said it out loud, but they still kept that promise. They always would. To the end of their days.

The sudden smell of coffee and sawdust mixed together made Tony open his eyes. He found himself look straight into Gibbs' amazingly blue eyes and that special smile of his that could melt a glacier in a matter of seconds. He smiled back, lightly touching Gibbs' cheek with his finger, before leaning in to brush his lips to his.

"Why did you stop?" Tony said with a low voice.

"I wanted to know what you are thinking about", Gibbs said and softly ran his fingers through Tony's hair.

"I was thinking of you. And what the smell of sawdust means to me."

"What does it mean to you, Tony?"

"This..."

Tony put a hand behind Gibbs' neck and pressed his lips against his. Feathery light he let his tongue flicker over his love's lip and felt them part. Their tongues met in a sweet caress before he began to explore Gibbs' mouth, as he had done so many times, but never grew tired of. And as always, now slightly mixed with the taste of bourbon, he could feel the taste of coffee. The taste that was so much a part of Gibbs that he wouldn't be him without it. The taste that Tony had come to love more than anything in the world.

For Tony, coffee would now and forever more be connected with the deep love and affection he felt for the silver-haired man. Neither that would ever come to an end.

They broke the kiss and smiled sheepishly at each other, like two teenagers that had recently fallen in love. And that's what how they felt. Gibbs pulled Tony in to a tight embrace and cradled the younger man in his arms. Tony pressed his ear against his chest to listen to his heartbeats, and a few seconds later, Gibbs felt Tony tap the slow, steady rhythm with a finger on his back. Just as he always did.

Gibbs hugged Tony closer and rested his chin on his head, feeling tears slowly fall down his cheeks. His feelings for Tony was something he never had expected to feel again, not after Shannon's death. The wives that had come after had never been able to fill the tremendous hole in his heart. But Tony had.

At first, Gibbs had refused to acknowledge his feelings for the younger man, but as time went by, he'd found it harder and harder to do so. He knew that Tony had felt the same way for him for ages, he'd could see it in his eyes, but he had just been too scared to spill his guts.

Tony had had similar feelings. Almost all his adult life he had chased after skirts, but when he realized that he was in love with his boss, he didn't know what to think. A couple of times he had tried to date other men, but it just had felt wrong. So completely wrong. It was Gibbs hed wanted, and no-one else, but he hadn't known how to tell him that.

Both of them had been too scared of how the other might react.

Both of them had been too scared for the thought that they might be wrong of the other's feelings.

Both of them had been too scared of rejection. And because of that, they had almost lost each other completely.

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**Wanna know more about why they almost lost each other?**

**Review then!**


	2. Chapter 1

**I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I never thought that I would get so many on the first chapter, and that was only the prologue.**

**I was actually just thinking about making this to a rather short fic, but now I realize that there's no can do. I don't know how long yet, though. **

**Well, here's what you've been waiting for. I hope you like it**

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Gibbs new the exact moment when Tony walked into the bullpen. He could always detect they boy's presence without even looking ever looking up. Yes, boy. He knew fully well that Tony indeed was a full grown man, but he would always be a boy to him, and that would never change. It was that side of Tony he loved. The side that could make the most serious moment into a joke. The side that could face death and still be able to laugh. 

The side that could help him light his mood whenever he needed it. The side he had fallen for.

He kept his eyes on the computer screen and pretended to drink some coffee. In the corner of his eye he saw Tony greet his co-workers with his usual banter before sitting down behind his own desk. He clenched his jaws and made his eyes turn into steel. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. He was about to brake one of his own rules, God damn it! So why was this so hard to stop? Why couldn't he ignore his feelings for Tony?

Tony knew that something was bothering his boss. He glanced up at him and frowned at the closed look on the silver-haired man's face. He could almost feel the distress roll off the older man in waves. God how he longed to walked over to him and hug him close, tell him that everything was going to be all right, but he knew that if he did that, Gibbs would smack him back to Kingdom Come.

"Tony, have you been listening?"

Tony snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at Ziva, who was now leaning against his desk, frowning at him.

"What?"

"We just discussed what's the matter with Gibbs", Tim said in a low voice.

"I don't know", Tony said with a shrug. "Maybe he's angry because of our last case?"

"Nah, I think it's something else", Ziva said and looked suspiciously at Gibbs. "He's probably just had one of his talks with Director Sheppard. That always makes him a bit grumpy."

"Maybe", Tim said thoughtfully. "But I'm not so sure about that, either. No, this is different. I can feel it."

"Are you three done talking about me, or should I book a conference room for you?"

All three agents jumped at the suddenly growled comment from their boss. Ziva and Tim swiftly returned to their desks, immediately burying themselves in paperwork and pretending that nothing had been going on. Only Tony didn't move a muscle. He met Gibbs gaze for a second and felt a jolt in his stomach when he saw the strange look in the ice-blue eyes. He turned his attention to his computer and tried to shrug it off, but he found it very hard. He couldn't tell _how_ he knew it, but he just knew that Gibbs' weird mood had something to do with him.

Tony sighed heavily and typed lazily on his report. Since he was almost done, he let his mind drift away, writing the last sentences almost on autopilot. A whiff of coffee made him think of warm, blue eyes that roamed his body. Of tender hands than ran through his hair. Of soft lips that were pressed against his. Of silver-hair that glistened in the light of...

"DiNozzo!"

Tony cringed so hard that his chair almost toppled over. He looked up in confusion and found himself be staring into Gibbs angry face.

"Get your ass moving, we've got a case!"

"Yes, Boss."

Tony took a deep breath and stood up on slightly shaky legs, grabbed his gears and ran to the others, who were already waiting for him by the elevators. He got a strange look from Ziva and replied with a scowl. He really didn't want any questions on what just had happened.

"What have we got", he asked quickly when Ziva still tried to open her mouth to ask.

"A dishonorably discharged Gunnery Sergeant has taken his ex-wife and her children hostage", Tim summoned up for him.

"Good, then this whole thing should be over pretty quick", Tony said with a smile.

The smile disappeared when Gibbs gave him one of his patented head slaps.

"Shutting up, Boss."

"Good."

It was already dark by the time the team returned to HQ. They were all tired to death and everyone just wanted to head home and go to sleep. The Gunny had taken the woman and children hostage in their home and threatened to kill them all if he wasn't let back to the Marine. They had been negotiating with the Gunny for hours, trying to talk him into at least let the two children go, but for some reason he had snapped in the end and killed the youngest of the children, just to prove that he was serious. That had been the final straw for the mother, who put her own life at risk by reaching for a frying pan and giving her ex-husband a good whack on the head, just to save her other child. That had allowed the team to storm the house and take the Gunnery into custody.

It was one of the rare cases that Tony hoped that he would be able to forget one day. He almost blamed himself for the child's death and a lot of 'what ifs' circled in his head. He swiftly put the thoughts away before they got a chance to overwhelm him, not wanting to go there. God, he really needed a drink right now!

He turned off his computer, got his stuff and went over to the elevator. The doors were just about to close when Gibbs suddenly stepped in, giving Tony a grave nod before turning around to face the doors. Tony bit his lover lip and stared at the floor, unconsciously clenching his fists. He could feel a faint smell of sawdust from the older man, blended with the smell of coffee. Why did those smells that aroused him so? He wasn't in to guys. He was a ladies man. So why couldn't he stop thinking of Gibbs?

A surprisingly light head slap brought him out of his brooding. He looked up just to find that Gibbs was frowning at him. When he realized that Gibbs even had been talking to him and looked away. That was no way good.

"What is the matter with you today, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.

Tony shrugged. "I guess I'm just tired", he said.

"No. I don't buy that. You've been acting weird for days now, and I wanna know why."

Tony felt panic well up inside him and he clenched his jaws, not knowing what to say. He didn't want to know what would happen if Gibbs found out his feelings for him. He would be fired, that's for sure, but he might also just as well be killed.

He was just about to open his mouth to lie when the elevator stopped and the doors opened to the garage. He mumbled something inaudible and more or less ran out to his car. He heard Gibbs call his name, but he pretended that he didn't hear and got behind the wheel. He closed the door with a slam and just sat there for a moment, trying to calm down, before igniting the engine and driving out of the garage. Gibbs was going to kill him in the morning, but he didn't care. He needed time to gather his thoughts and get his emotions under control. Or else he would lose control.

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**tbc? **


	3. Chapter 2

Tony almost stumbled into his apartment and leaned heavily against the door, not even remembering that he had closed it. His breathing came in fast, shallow gasps and his heart was pounding so hard that he was sure that the neighbors could hear it. With a loud roar he slammed his fist into the wall, causing white-hot pain to shoot up along his arm from the knuckles to the shoulder. He welcomed the pain, because it made him almost forget about why he was so upset.

He got out of his jacket and kicked the shoes off his feet before walking over to the couch. He collapsed onto it and closed his eyes, holding his aching hand against his chest. It felt like it was broken, but right now he actually didn't care. He could always let Ducky take a look at it in the morning.

He sighed and sat up and rested his face in his good hand. God, what was happening to him? Had he just admitted to himself that he had feelings for Gibbs? Yeah, it was exactly what he had done. But why? He wasn't gay. Or was he?

Tony took a good look on himself and found out that no, he was definitely _not_gay. He wasn't even sure that he could call himself bisexual, since the only _man _he had ever wanted was Gibbs. But Gibbs was also the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and... _Argh,_ everything was so God damn confusing! Why could life never be easy?

He got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. There he took a beer from the fridge and downed it in one big gulp, after removing the cap with his teeth. He threw the empty bottle in the bin and then grabbed another one, treating it the same way as the first. He was just about to reached for a third beer, but stopped himself and closed the fridge firmly. Getting drunk would not solve any problems, even if he wished that it was so. All it would give him was a major hangover, and that definitely wouldn't do him any good.

With some difficulty he managed to remove his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning up the heat until the water became so hot that it almost scalded him. He stood there for almost an hour, letting the water soak him completely, letting his thoughts swirl in his head as they pleased. He certainly didn't care anymore.

He turned the water off and rubbed himself dry with a towel before going to bed. He laid on his back, just staring up in the ceiling, waiting for sleep to take him, thinking of what he should do. A billion or so ideas came to his mind, but he rejected them all. When he finally made up his mind, he let himself roll over on his side and closed his eyes, letting himself drift off to sleep. He just hoped that he had made the right decision.

**XxXxXxX**

Gibbs took a swig of his bourbon while he ran a hand over the smooth wood on his boat. Working with his hands had always used to help him to calm down, but not tonight for some reason. He couldn't stop thinking of Tony's odd behavior. Why had the boy bolted like that? It was almost as he'd been afraid. But of what?

Then he remembered the look in the kid's eyes, filled with sorrow, longing and confusion mixed together. He had looked so vulnerable. So terribly vulnerable, as if any wrong word would've destroyed him. Or worse.

And then there was that look of panic when he had asked Tony what the hell was matter with him. Gibbs didn't want to admit it, but it had nearly broken his heart, and he had been so close to pull Tony into a tight embrace to make his fears go away and...

No! He wouldn't go there. He _couldn't _go there. Why didn't he see that? He _really _had to stop this. Why didn't he realize that? _Why?_

_Because you're in love with him_, said a dry voice in the back of his head.

No! He couldn't be! Gibbs shook his head violently in try to get rid of that mocking voice, but it just wouldn't go away.

_You know just as well as I do that it is the truth, _it said, and Gibbs just knew that it smirked at him. _You are in love with the boy. You might just as well admit it. His face is the last thing you want to see before you fall asleep at night, and his morning wood the first thing you want to feel when you wake up. Isn't that so, Jethro?_

"_No!_" Gibbs flung the cup with all the force he was might straight into the wall, where it shattered in thousands of tiny pieces.

_Don't deny it, Jethro. You'll only make it worse for yourself if you do._

By then, Gibbs was panting heavily and hot tears ran down his face. Every muscle in his entire body was tightened into knots and his hands was shaking uncontrollably.

"I will never break my own rules", he said through his tightly teeth.

_Is it so much better to break your own heart? 'Cause that's what going to happen if you don't acknowledge your feelings._

Gibbs took a deep breath and straightened his back.

"I wont betray Shannon!"

_Of course you wont. You can't betray Shannon. Or Kelly. All they want is for you to be happy, and if Tony makes you happy, then so be it. _

_Jethro, your love for Tony isn't wrong. Love can never be wrong. You know that. And your love for Shannon and Kelly wont fade away just because you let Tony into your heart. There's plenty of room for the three of you in there. You know it's true. _

Suddenly Gibbs knees gave way under him and the next moment they hit the concrete floor hard. The tears were running freely down his cheeks now. Suddenly he could see Tony before him, smiling warmly at him with his eyes shining with love and humor. And Gibbs couldn't help but smile back. God how he longed for the real Tony to look at him that way.

It was as a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't care about the rules or... or anything else in that matter. He knew what he wanted. He knew how he felt. He was such a fool not to admit it to himself until now.

_Say it, Jethro._

"I love him." Gibbs threw his head back and laughed with relief. "I love him!"

_Then everything is as it should _be.

Gibbs wasn't sure what the voice meant with its last comment, but he sure didn't care. He got up from the floor and up from the basement. He went into his living room and picked up a picture of Shannon and Kelly from the bookcase. He gave them a tender smile and lightly ran a finger down their faces.

"I wish you were here", he mumbled.

_They are here, Jethro._

Gibbs winced slightly in surprise and frowned.

"I thought you had left", he said.

_Not yet. _A pause. _You will see them again, Jethro, and until that day, they will always be watching over you. They would approve of Tony._

"I know." Gibbs sighed and put the picture back on its place. Yes, Shannon and Kelly would approve of Tony. He just wished that they could've had a chance to meet.

_Go to bed, Jethro. Everything will reveal itself tomorrow._

Yes. Tomorrow.

Gibbs went upstairs, got out of his clothes and went to bed. He was just about to fall asleep when it struck him. What if Tony turned him down? He didn't know if he could live with that.

_Don't worry about it, Jethro. Everything will be just fine. Go to sleep now._

Gibbs sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Yes. Everything would be just fine.

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**tbc?**


	4. Chapter 3

The next morning, Tony got to the office before anybody else had arrived. He headed up to the bullpen and slowly walked over to his desk. He sighed heavily, forcing away the regret that threatened to consume him, and began to empty his drawers. It took some time since it hurt a lot in his right hand every time he used it, but at least it wasn't broken after all. Everything he wanted to keep went down into a box, everything that he was going to leave behind he put in neat stacks on top of the desk, the rest he just threw away.

He pulled out a note from his pocket and put it on Gibbs' desk. Then he took the box with personal belongings down to his car before going up to the Director's office. He sat down in a chair outside and waited for her to arrive. He really didn't want to go see Gibbs about this. His boss would force him to stay, and he just couldn't do that. He didn't want to. He had to leave. He couldn't bear to see Gibbs every day and not be able to tell him what he felt. How many times hadn't he thought that he'd seen a look of yearning in the silver-haired man's eyes? A yearning for him? But the look had always vanished so fast that he knew he must've imagined it.

He looked up when he heard footsteps approaching and saw the Director coming towards him with Cynthia in tow. He glanced at his watch and saw that he had been sitting there for almost two hours. He took a deep breath before standing up, biting his lip like a nervous school boy who had been sent to the Principal's office.

"Tony", Jenny said with a surprised tone in her voice when she reached him. "What are you doing here so early?"

"I need to talk to you, Jen", Tony said with almost a pleading look in his eyes.

"Is everything alright? You seem a little stressed."

"No, it's... Please, Jen. Can we just go inside?"

"Of course."

Jenny unlocked the door to the office and beckoned him to go inside. She took a seat behind her desk and watched as Tony slowly walked up to her. He stopped in front of the desk and stared down on the floor with a troubled look on his face. Jenny had never seen him like this before. Something was really bothering him, and it made her concerned.

"What is it you want to talk to me about, Tony?" she asked.

Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking at her again. He was composed now, but Jenny was appalled by the look of anguish mixed with cold resolution she could in his eyes.

"I want to resign", he said huskily and put his badge and gun firmly on the desk.

Jenny just stared at the young agent for a moment before leaning forward and locking eyes with him.

"Have you talked to Gibbs about this?" she asked, trying to sound calmer than she felt.

"No. And I don't want to. He wouldn't let me go. I _need _to go, Jen. I've thought about this, and there's just no other way."

"But why, Tony? Has something happened?"

Tony let out a short snort of dry laughter. "No. It's more what _isn't_ happening that makes me do this. I just can't take it anymore."

"What isn't happening, Tony?"

"I can't tell you", he said, and she could clearly see a flash of pain on his face. "It's a personal matter between me and..." He stopped and sighed heavily. "You know what? It doesn't really matter."

"Don't you like it here anymore? Is that why you want to resign? Did you have a disagreement with one of your co-workers? If that's what making you do this, I'm sure we can come up with a resolution so you can stay. Do you want to be transferred to another team?"

"Please, Jen. I've already made up my mind about this. Don't make it any harder than it already is. I've been here way too long. It's time for me to move on."

"Where are you planning to go?"

"I don't know. I just..." His voice trailed off and he broke eye contact with her. In that moment he looked so much as a little boy that Jenny just wanted to hug him and make his fears go away.

"I've already emptied my desk", he continued after a moment of silence. "As soon as we're done here, I'm leaving."

"Tony, you know that you can't walk out just like that. There are a lot of forms to be filled and..."

"I can't stay here a minute longer, Jen!" Tony almost screamed and slammed his fist on the desk, gasping sharply when pain once again shot through his arm. He gritted his teeth and held his aching hand in the other, waiting for the pain to subside before speaking again.

"Please, Jen. Just let me go. It doesn't matter what you say. As soon as I walk through that door, you'll never see me again. I just want your consent."

Jenny sighed and nodded.

"As you wish, Tony", she said. "If you really want to leave, I can't force you to stay. But what will you tell your team? What will you tell Abby and Ducky?"

"I've left a note. I don't think I can face them right now." He took a deep breath and straightened his back, giving her a resolute look. "Good bye, Director."

"Good bye, Agent DiNozzo. I just hope, for your sake, that you're not making the wrong decision."

"So am I, Director. So am I."

He turned around and left the office, forcing back the tears that threatened to fall down his cheeks. It was the toughest decision he had ever made. It felt like his heart had been torn out of his chest, leaving an empty hole that consumed him on the inside. He didn't want to leave. He loved this job and the team. But he couldn't live with his feelings bottled up like that. He couldn't be so close to Gibbs, knowing that his feelings would never be returned.

He went down to the garage and leaned shakily against his car before getting behind the wheel. Reluctantly he started the engine and drove off, never looking back, convincing himself that what he did was the right thing. Then why did it feel so wrong?

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**tbc?**


	5. Chapter 4

When Gibbs got to work later that morning, he knew instinctively that something was wrong. He could feel it in his guts. He went up to the bullpen and wasn't surprised to see that no-one else in his team had arrived yet, since he had told them the night before that they didn't have to be in until 11 am, unless something happened of course, so they could get some proper sleep. It was now 10.30.

Gibbs sighed and walked over to his desk. He frowned when he saw that neat stacks of documents and files on Tony's desk as he passed it. He couldn't remember if they had been there the night before. Besides, Tony _never _stacked his files and documents that neatly. The desk even looked like it had been cleaned.

Then it struck him. The desk was too clean. There was no personal things whatsoever and the walls behind it were clean, while the dust bin beside the desk was jammed with paper, old wrappers and some other stuff. Gibbs felt his stomach turn into a knot as he walked around the desk to check the drawers. He almost couldn't believe his own eyes when he saw that they were all empty.

"He has left, Jethro."

Gibbs looked up when he heard Jenny Sheppard's voice and saw her standing just a few feet away. He hadn't even heard her coming.

"What do you mean, he has left?" he asked sceptically took a threatening step closer.

"He resigned this morning", Jenny said and calmly met Gibbs' angry gaze.

"He did _what_?" Gibbs could hardly believe his own ears.

"He's gone. He came to me this morning and said that he couldn't stand it here anymore. That he needed to leave."

"_And you let him?!_" Gibbs was now standing so close that Jenny could feel his breath on her face.

"Jethro, please, calm down."

Gibbs looked around and saw that the others in the bullpen were staring at him. He scowled at them before putting a hand on Jenny's back and pushing her towards the elevator. Jenny waited until he had pushed the emergency switch, making the moving elevator to come to a smooth halt, before speaking again.

"I couldn't have stopped him, Jethro", she said. "He had already made up his mind. He even said that even if I didn't give my consent, he would've left anyway. He had already cleaned his desk."

"You could have _forced _him to stay! He's _my _agent, Jen. You had _no _right!" Gibbs was more or less shouting now and Jenny was glad that they had moved someplace more private. Most people would even have been scared by the furious look he gave her, but she just straightened her back and looked him straight in the eyes.

"I did have the right, Special Agent Gibbs", she said with her firm Director's voice. "You might have been his boss, but _I_ am _your _boss and that makes me the boss of your entire team. He was very unhappy, Jethro. Something was clearly bothering him. I had to let him go. I care about him too much to forcing him to stay when he all wanted was to be out of here as soon as he could. If you had seen him you would've understood."

"Then why didn't he come to me?" Gibbs asked with a dangerously low voice, chest heaving with ice-cold anger, eyes turned to steel.

"Because he thought that you would've forced him to stay."

"What?"

The words shocked Gibbs more than he would have admit. Did Tony really think that of him?

_Apparently_, the dry voice said. Gibbs growled and forced it way. He certainly didn't have time for voices right now.

"Did he say why he needed to leave?"

"Only that it was no other way. That it was because something that didn't happen, something that he apparently wanted to happen, and that it was a personal matter between him and someone else. Have you any idea of whom it might be?"

"No."

Gibbs looked away and clenched his jaws. It felt like his entire world was falling apart around him. Why did Tony feel like he had to go? Was it because of him?

_So you have finally realized that?_

Gibbs winced. Could it be? Then he remembered that strange look he had seen in Tony's eyes once in a while, every time the boy had caught him looking at him in a yearning way when Gibbs had let his guard down. A look of hope. And then a look of misery when Gibbs had got his emotions under control again. Was it possible that Tony felt the same way about him? That he loved him back?

Jenny frowned when Gibbs suddenly began to chuckle, and all of a sudden he became more relaxed, and she could even see relief on his face.

"God", he mumbled. "How could I have been so blind?"

"Jethro?"

Gibbs looked up at her and she suddenly found herself basking in his beautiful megawatt smile, but she new that it wasn't meant for her.

"He loves me, Jen", Gibbs said and a single tear fell down his cheek.

Jenny couldn't help but stare at him in shock.

"What do you mean?"

"Tone loves me."

Gibbs took a deep breath and the smile never left his face. Jenny couldn't remember the last time she had seen him so... _happy. _She couldn't even remember if she had ever seen him so happy before, not even when they had been together. There had always been something holding him back, something that she hadn't been able to put her finger on, but than restrain seemed to be all gone now.

"Do you love him back?" she asked carefully.

"I do, Jen. I think I have loved him since the first day I saw him."

"What happened to rule #12?"

"To Hell with that rule!"

"Jethro!"

"What?"

"You never break your rules."

"Rules can be changed. Even mine."

"So what are you planning to do now?"

"What do you think? I have to go look for him. There's no way I'm letting him get away from me that easily. He's mine, Jen! And I am not gonna lose him to someone else."

* * *

**tbc?**

**(I know that I am making it a bit too drawn out, but you just have to bear with me. There are only a few chapters left, anyway.) **


	6. Chapter 5

When Gibbs and Jenny got back up to the bullpen, Ziva and Tim were already there, glancing suspiciously at Tony's desk.

"Hey, Boss", Tim said when Gibbs came over them. "Have you noticed the eh..." He nodded at Tony's desk as his voice trailed off, not sure of how to put his words.

"Yeah, McGee", Gibbs said and stopped in front of his agents. "Tony resigned early this morning."

"He what?" Both Ziva and Tim just stared at Gibbs as if he just had told them that he could fly.

"Why would he do that?" Ziva asked. "I mean, sure that we've had our quarrels, but that couldn't have been enough to make him leave. Could it?"

"No, Ziva", Gibbs said gravely. "If you want to blame someone, blame me. I'm the one who forced Tony to leave."

"Try making him think that he _had to_ leave", Jenny corrected him.

"And it's none of your business", Gibbs growled when Tim opened his to speak.

"No, Boss."

"So are we just letting him run away like that?" Ziva asked then.

Gibbs only reply was his famous glare, which made a light shade of red appear on Ziva's cheeks.

"Of course we aren't", she mumbled an looked away.

"So what should we do?" Tim asked.

"What do you think, McGee?" Gibbs said and turned his glare to the younger man. "We search for him, and when we find him, we bring him back."

"But what if he doesn't want to come back?"

"I don't care. No-one quit this team without my permission. Got it?"

"Yes, Boss!" both Ziva and Tim replied mutually.

"Good. Now get to his apartment, both of you. If he isn't there, ask his neighbors if they know anything. And don't come back until you have something useful for me. Move it!"

"He won't be there, Jethro", Jenny stated as soon as Ziva and Tim and disappeared into the elevator.

"I know, Jen", Gibbs said calmly, giving her a little smile. "And he won't answer his cell, either. I just want to give him a head start, give him some time to calm down."

"For how long?"

"Just a couple of days. I think I can give him that much."

Jenny returned his smile and put a hand on his arm.

"He'll come back, Jethro", she said. "Just tell him how you feel and he'll come back to you."

"So you don't mind then? About me and Tony, I mean?"

"Not at all. You two deserves to be happy. You most of all. I just wish that you had looked at me in the same way as you look at Tony."

"I did love you, Jenny", Gibbs said and looked her in the eyes. "Maybe not as much as I loved Shannon, or love Tony for that matter, but it was love nonetheless."

"I know." Then she sighed deeply and pulled away. "I'll be in my office if you need me."

Gibbs nodded and sat down behind his desk. There he found the note that Tony had left for him. He picked it up, skimmed through it once before reading it more slowly.

_By the time you read this, I'll be long gone.  
I had to go, Gibbs. I hope you understand that.  
I just couldn't live with the fact that you'd never  
feel the same way for me that I feel for you.  
And don't come looking for me. I don't want to be found.  
Tell the others I'm sorry._

Gibbs rolled his eyes, folded the note and put it in his wallet.

"Never say you're sorry, DiNozzo."

About half an hour later, he was down in Abby's lab, coffee in hand. I figured that he needed to tell the goth what was going on. To his surprise he found that Ducky was with her. They were talking with their backs at him and didn't notice that he was there until he was standing right behind them.

"Ah, Jethro!" Ducky said and smiled at his friend. "What brings you down here?"

"Got something for me, Bossman?" Abby asked and looked so eager that Gibbs had to smile.

"No, Abs", he said. "There's actually something I need to tell you. Tony left early this moment. As in quit."

"He has resigned?" Ducky asked.

"No!" Abby looked like someone just had hit her. "Why did he do that? And why didn't he say goodbye?"

"Abs, calm down", Gibbs told her firmly and looked her deep in the eyes. "I'll bring him back."

"How are you planning to do that, Jethro?"

"How do you think, Duck? I'll track him down and go get him. How else?"

"But why did he leave, Gibbs? Didn't he like it here anymore?"

Gibbs looked at her thoughtfully for a second, trying to decide if he should tell them or not. He chose to tell. Ducky and Abby were family. They deserved to know the truth.  
"Of course he liked it here", he assured the goth. "He loved this job. The reason to why he left is because he thought that I don't love him."

"What are you talking about, Jethro?" Ducky asked and gave him a confused frown. Abby, on the other hand, lit up and leapt at Gibbs, hugging him so hard that he felt like she was about to break his neck.

"I knew it!" she said when she let go. "But what took you so long? I've been waiting for you to get together for months now."

"Wait, you knew?" Gibbs couldn't help but stare at the goth.

"Of course I knew. Anyone could see how you felt for each other. You were both very good at hiding it, though. If you hadn't let your guard down once in a while, I'd probably not have noticed either."

"Noticed what?" Ducky asked and looked between the two.

"That Gibbs and Tony are in love", Abby said with a huge smile. "With each other."

"In love?" Ducky blinked and gave Gibbs a surprised look. "You and Tony?"

"Yeah. Do you mind, Duck?"

"Jethro! Of course I don't mind. I'm just a bit surprised, that's all. But if you and Tony are in love, why did he leave?"

"Because Tony didn't know that I felt the same way about him. And I didn't know until recently that he had such feelings for me, either." Gibbs glanced at his watch and sighed. "I better head up again", he said. "I'll let you know when we find something about Tony, okay?"

"You better", Abby called after him as he disappeared through the doors.

He went back to the bullpen and decided to look through some old files while he waited for Tim and Ziva to return. He didn't have to wait for long before the two agents got out from the elevator and walked over to him. Gibbs looked up and frowned when he saw the troubled looks on their faces, but his guts told him that there was nothing to worry about.

"What did you find?" he asked.

"Tony has emptied his apartment and moved all the furniture and his personal stuff into storage", Tim said. "The landlord said that he had come knocking on his door earlier this morning to give him the keys. Tony had told him that something had come up so that he had to move, and that he had hired some guys to remove his things from the apartment and clean it. That's what they were doing when we got there."

"Tony had even given the landlord the keys to his car", Ziva added. "Saying that he would hire someone to drive it to him once he had settled down. Tony never mentioned where, though."

"That means that he has chosen to take a flight", Gibbs mumbled and then looked at McGee. "Go see if you can find out when DiNozzo used his credit card the last time. It might give us a clue to where he's going."

"On it, Boss", Tim said and sat down behind his desk. A few minutes later, he sunk back in his chair and just stared at the computer screen.

"Boss, I know where he is", he said.

"Then spill it, McGee."

"He is in Chicago."

Gibbs smiled brightly at the young agent, who shyly smiled back when the first shock had disappeared.

"Good work, McGee. Good work."

* * *

**tbc?**


	7. Chapter 6

**Sorry I didn't submit this sooner. Anyhow, here it is. **

* * *

Chicago. Why had he chosen to go to Chicago? He didn't even like Chicago. If his luggage hadn't been mistakenly loaded into the wrong plane, he'd probably have bought himself a new ticket elsewhere, but for now he was more or less stuck.

Tony sighed heavily and walked over to the window in his hotel room. The rain was pouring down outside, the heavy drops rattling against the glass, sounding like someone was constantly throwing pebbles at it. The water covered the window completely, making it seem like the hotel was built inside a waterfall. The only thing he could see through it was the blurry lights from the street lights and the cars that drove by below.

It had been raining ever since he had got to Chicago, three days ago. It was like the world was in tune with his emotions and displayed them in a way he didn't let himself to do. He didn't cry. He wouldn't cry. All he did was wrapping himself in the constantly throbbing pain in his heart, letting it consume him entirely. All that existed was the pain in his heart and the rain outside. Nothing else mattered.

He clenched his jaws and narrowed his eyes, welcoming the anger that welled up inside him, nourished it until it was a roaring bonfire that filled him completely, feeding it with his his hate. He hated Gibbs for making him feel like this. He hated the thought of that Gibbs would never love him back. But most of all, he hated himself for allowing himself to have such feelings at all.

The pain increased as the fire grew larger. Then Tony couldn't hold back any more. He threw his head back and gave out roar, so filled with grief and pain that he felt like he was going to burst. He didn't care that someone might hear him. All he cared for was the consuming pain and the fire.

Completely exhausted he felt his knees give way under him. He sunk down to the floor, panting like he had ran a mile. The fire died out and so did the pain, leaving a huge, empty hole in their stead. The hole was almost worse. It didn't allow him to feel a thing. But at a second thought, he actually preferred it that way.

Slowly he staggered to his feet, put on his shoes and grabbed his coat before leaving the room. He went to a bar near by, ordered a bottle of scotch and found himself a table in a dark corner at the back. Usually he didn't care much for the burning, gross liquid, but it was the only thing that could make him completely numb on the inside. And he wanted to be numb.

He poured himself a glass and downed it in one single gulp. The scotch ravished his throat and made him cough, but that was just as it should be.

Once in a while a woman began to walk in his direction, but a dark look usually made them change their mind. Some he had to tell off with an angry snarl before they understood that he didn't want any company. Many times he was called a jerk, but mostly the women just shrugged and left him alone.

"Hey, handsome. Why such a sulky face?"

Tony snapped out of his thoughts and looked up to see a man stand by his table. He was about his age, even a little younger maybe. His black bangs fell down over one of his eyes, making him look a little boyish. The man was smiling warmly at him and something in his eyes told Tony that he was gay. He had seen that look in womens eyes so many times that he would recognize it everywhere. A look of attraction to him. A look he didn't want tonight.

Tony shot daggers at the man, hoping that he would take the hint and go away, but he didn't move.

"I'm not falling for that, handsome", he said. "You can convince yourself as much as you like that you don't want any company, but your body language says that you're craving it."

"Then my body is lying", Tony growled and took another gulp of scotch. He had drunk about three quarters of the stuff and began to get a little drunk. It was all according to plan. If he just could get rid of the guy, but he didn't seem to let himself be discharged so easily.

"Well, I don't believe you", he said and sat down opposite of Tony. "And you shouldn't be alone tonight. I can see the hurt in your eyes. Something tragic has happened to you and I'm here for you if you want to talk."

"And if I don't want to?"

"Then you don't have to. It's completely up to you. I just want you to know that I won't leave you, no matter what you say or do."

"I think you misunderstood me, _pal_", Tony said with a dangerously low tone in his voice. "You _really_ought to leave."

The guy still didn't move. He just sat back and gave Tony a thoughtful look, his head slightly tilted to one side. Tony began to lose his temper and had to restrain himself from attacking. He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax, even if it was hard. He poured himself another glass of scotch, but when he lifted it to drink, the guy reached out and put his hand over the glass, forcing Tony to lower it to the table again.

"You shouldn't drink any more of that", he said and dragged the bottle away from Tony. "Getting drunk doesn't solve any of your problems. Trust me. I know."

"Really? How come you know so much about my problems?"

"Because I've been where you are. Some hurt me too, once. I begged the world to end and tried to find comfort in drinking, but all it ever gave me was major hangovers. There's only one thing that helps against this kind of pain."

"Oh, yeah?" Tony said sarcastically. "And what is that?"

"I can't tell you. I have to show you. But in that case, you have to trust me enough to come with me."

Tony stared at the guy for a long time before standing up. The guy smiled and stood up, too, putting a hand on Tony's shoulder and looked him deep in the eyes.

"Trust me", he said. "You're doing the right thing. Everything will feel much better in the morning."

Tony shrugged and rolled his eyes. He wasn't sure of what exactly the guy was about to show him, but he didn't care as long as it helped him get rid of the pain.

"Just let's go", he said huskily and began to walk towards the exit. Suddenly Tony stopped dead in his tracks when a whiff of two familiar smells reached his nose. Coffee and sawdust. He swallowed hard and felt the blood disappear from his face, felt his hands go clammy and his heart stop in his chest. He didn't hear the worried question from the guy, didn't feel the hand on the small of his back, nudging him to keep going. Slowly he turned around and found himself be staring at the man of his dreams.

"Gibbs?"

Gibbs slowly walked up to him and stared him directly in the eyes. Tony swallowed when he saw the furious look in the silver-haired man's blue gaze. The next moment a very hard slap was planted on the back of his head, making it cringe forward. He suddenly found himself standing merely inches from Gibbs, so close that their breaths mingled. Tony's gaze was locked, he couldn't look away. Then he felt a hand sneak behind his neck, pulling him forward, before warm lips were pressed against his in a kiss that claimed him in a way he had never experienced before.

"You are mine, DiNozzo", Gibbs snarled after he had broken the kiss. "Don't you ever run away from me again!"

* * *

**tbc?**


	8. Chapter 7

Tony could do nothing but stare. His lips still tingled from the kiss and a shiver ran down his spine when Gibbs fingers played with the hair at his neck. Then his features became hard as stone and he backed away, head helled high, and pushed Gibbs arm away.

"I am not yours", he said fiercely with a low growl. "I have never been yours."

He began to walk away, but Gibbs caught his arm an a tight grip and yanked him around to face him again. Tony's eyes narrowed as he locked eyes with the silver-haired man. He was determined that he wouldn't be the first to yield, but then he saw something that made him tremble. Deep inside Gibbs eyes he saw a spark of love and affection mixed with the anger. And it was directed at him!

Tony gasped sharply, his eyes widening in surprise and confusion. Gibbs loved him?

"Why did you run away, Tony?" Gibbs asked then. "Why didn't you come to me?"

At once Tony's anger flamed up again.

"How could I?" he asked and teared himself loose. "And what would I say? 'Hey, Boss, I can't take the anxiety anymore, because you know what? I'm in love with you!'"

"Yes!" Gibbs said and stepped into Tony's personal space. "That's exactly what you should've said. Because then I would have known that you feel the same way about me as I do about you. You _are _mine, Tony. Now and forever. And I am not planning to let you go."

Tony clenched his jaws and met the intense blue gaze with his own green one. Then he suddenly he was shoved aside as the young, black-haired guy stepped up to Gibbs, who took a step back in surprise as he regarded the angry youth in front of him.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" the kid asked. "You have no right to..."

He was abruptly silenced when Gibbs suddenly took a step closer and stared at the poor man with his patented glare.

"I could ask you the same thing", he growled in a low voice. "Who are you, and what do you think you are doing?"

Tony almost fell sorry for the guy when he began to stutter insecurely.

"I asked for your name", Gibbs repeated impatiently and let his glare grow even more intense. Not many had the guts to face Gibbs when he looked at them liked that, and the kid was definitely not one of those few. He bolted. He turned around and was out through the door before Gibbs could blink.

"You didn't have to scare him", Tony said.

"He annoyed me", Gibbs replied. "Who was he, anyway?"

"I don't know. He just came over to me while I was trying to get drunk and said that I shouldn't be alone. He persuaded me to go with him, and if you hadn't showed up, I would have."

Gibbs turned his glare to Tony and slapped him again, harder than before.

"That was for being stupid", he said when Tony's eyes narrowed again. "What were you thinking? I thought you were smarter than that."

"He said that he could make my pain go away", Tony said, and even he could hear how childish he sounded.

"And you believed him? Tony, you had no idea what he had in mind for you. You could have been kidnapped and killed. Or tortured until you wished you were dead."

"I didn't care, okay? If he wanted to kill me, I would've let him."

"And why would you do that? Why would you waste your life like that?"

"Because..." Tony silenced and looked away for a moment as he tried to calm himself down. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then looked at Gibbs again, who returned his gaze just as steady as he always did, waiting for Tony to continue.

"Because my life wouldn't be worth living without you by my side", Tony added and calmly met Gibbs' gaze.

Gibbs blinked in surprise a couple of times before a warm smile spread across his face, taking Tony completely by surprise. He ran his fingers softly through Tony's hair before leaning in and giving him a kiss. He felt Tony get all tense at first, but then the younger man relaxed and answered the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Gibbs' body and let soft moans escape from his throat as the kiss grew deeper, more passionate.

"You stupid boy", Gibbs said when they finally broke the kiss to breathe. "I don't know what I would've done without you. I love you so much that only the thought of losing scares me to death."

"You love me?" Tony said and a single tear fell down his cheek. Gibbs brushed it away with his thumb gave Tony such an affectionate smile that Tony couldn't help but smile back.

"Of course I love you", he said. "I have loved you since the first day I saw you. I didn't know that it was love then, and I was scared to investigate it any further. I have never felt like this for anyone since Shannon died. I would die if I'd lose you too."

"You will never lose me, Jet", Tony said and clung to the silver-haired man like he never wanted to go. "Never."

"Come on", Gibbs said then and gently pushed Tony away, placing a hand on the small of his back. "Let's go home."

* * *

**I have a little question for you. Do you want me to write about the boys' first time (but then I might have to change the rating), or are you ready for the epilouge? It's up to you.**


	9. Chapter 8

**Here's the chapter of their first time. The majority has spoken. Enjoy.**

* * *

Gibbs opened the door to his house and stepped aside to let Tony in with their bags. He closed the door behind them and took off his coat and shoes as he watched Tony put down the bags on the floor. 

"Happy to be home?" he asked softly as Tony stretched his back and groaned.

"Yeah", Tony said and sighed heavily . "I am." He gave out a short snort of laughter and took off his own coat and shoes. "I can't even believe that I ran away like that. Pretty stupid, huh?"

"Yup. But you were fed up with the anxiety, so it's understandable. Kind of."

"And scared. Don't forget scared."

Gibbs walked over to Tony and looked him in the eyes.

"Of what, Tony?"

"Of everything. Most of all I was scared of the thought that you might not love me after all."

Gibbs frowned and gave Tony a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"

Tony took a deep breath and looked away. "I can't count the number of times I saw you look at me with love in your eyes. But you always concealed it in the matter of a second, so I always thought that my eyes had deceived me. So that last night I just snapped. I wanted you so badly that it hurt but I couldn't stand the thought of being so close to you without being able to touch you and what you might do if you found out and..."

He stopped his rambling when Gibbs put a hand under his chin and made him look up at him again. He took Tony's face between his hands and look deeply into the younger man's eyes.

"You don't have to be scared anymore, Tony", Gibbs said huskily and gave Tony that warm, special smile of his. "You are here now. With me. And that's all that matters. I promise you that I'll never leave you. No matter what, I'll always be in your heart. Forever."

Tony swallowed hard and felt his tears starting to fall. He tried to speak, but Gibbs caught his mouth in a loving kiss that literally took his breath away. He wrapped his arms around the older man and moaned as Gibbs tongue began to caress his. He dug his fingers into the soft silver hair and wished that the moment would never end.

They didn't break the kiss until the need for air was impossible to ignore anymore. Gibbs ran his fingers through Tony's hair and then pressed his forehead to the younger man's, just looking into those beautiful green that now openly displayed all the love Tony felt for him.

A small gasp escaped Gibbs' mouth as he felt his desire for Tony suddenly increase. Tony must have noticed it, for he withdrew with and insecure wrinkle on his brow, nervously biting his lower lip.

"What is it, Tony?" he asked and carefully took the younger man's hand in his, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"I, eh...", Tony stuttered as he tried to find the right words. "It's just that, um..."

"It's okay, Tony", Gibbs said soothingly and took a step back to give man he loved some space. "There's no rush. If you don't want to I..."

"But I do, Jet!" Tony interrupted. "I have wanted you since the first day I saw you, but it's just that I've never been with another man before. It makes me a little nervous."

"What are you nervous about?"

Tony bit his lip again and looked at his feet."That it might hurt", he mumbled, almost embarrassedly.

Gibbs stepped up to Tony again and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Tony, look at me", he said softly. Slowly Tony raised his eyes until they looked into Gibbs' intense blue eyes. The loving smile he received from the silver-haired man made Tony's heart beat faster and in that moment he wanted nothing more than to be in Gibbs' arms, to be so close to him that he could feel his heartbeats against his chest.

"I will never hurt you, Tony", Gibbs said then. "I'd rather die than hurting you."

"I know, Jet."

The smile Gibbs' shot at Tony in that moment was like watching the sun go up.

"What?" Tony asked.

"Shannon always used to call me that", Gibbs replied and a single tear ran down his cheek.

"You miss her, don't you?"

"More than you can imagine. But she and Kelly are always with me, and one day I will see them again. And so will you."

"Jet?"

"What, did you really think I'd let you go when this life has come to an end? Not gonna happen, DiNozzo."

He took Tony's hand in his and pleadingly pulled him towards the stairs. Tony followed him willingly and together they went to the bedroom. Gibbs pushed Tony down on the bed and laid down beside him. He gave Tony's cheek a light caress before bending down to kiss him. He moaned when Tony's hands began to move up and down his body and gasped when he felt eager fingers unbutton his shirt. He broke the kiss and looked at Tony, who looked back at him with great determination shining in his eyes.

"You sure about this?" Gibbs asked.

"I haven't been more sure of anything in my entire life. I want you, Jet. More than anything in the world."

Gibbs grinned at the man he loved and poured all his love and affection into that smile. Slowly they undressed each other, softly caressing the other in the process. It didn't take long before both were naked, arms and limbs entwined as they kissed and touched, mapping the other's body with their lips and hands. Soft moans and whimpers escaped them as the heat and passion increased, each second pushing them closer to the edge. None of them wanted to stop. None of them was even able to stop. Their bodies were moving as one in a rhythm that was older than life itself. There was no turning back for them now.

They clung to each other as great waves of pleasure crashed over them, making the world stop spinning and time cease to exist. Afterwards, Tony was lying in Gibbs' strong, protective arms with his head on his lovers chest, his ear right over the silver-haired man's heart. He tapped the steady beat lazily with a finger on Gibbs' stomach as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

"I love you, Jet."

Gibbs smiled into Tony's hair and pressed a kiss onto the top of his lover's head.

"Love you too, little one", he whispered. "More than you'll ever know."

He closed his eyes and let himself drift into restful sleep and comfort. Finally, everything was as it should be.

* * *

**Next up: the epilogue  
**


	10. Epilogue

Tony looked up when he felt his lover's tears wet his hair. He smiled warmly at Gibbs and dried his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Why are you crying, my love?" he asked and brushed his lips to Gibbs' once more.

"It doesn't matter", Gibbs said with a small grin. "Not anymore."

A creak from the basement door caused both men to look up just as their daughter Sarah appeared on the ledge. Her long, brown hair was tousled from sleep and she was rubbing her eyes with a little fist as she clutched one of Tony's old shirts in the other. They could both see that she had been crying, as her cheeks still were striped with tears and dry sobs escaped her chest.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Tony asked and walked up to her. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Yes, Daddy", Sarah said as Tony picked her up and hugged her protectively. "The monsters where after me again."

Tony gave his daughter a kiss on the cheek and hugged her closer, bear and all.

"The monsters will never be able to hurt you again", he mumbled. "You are safe now."

"I know, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Gibbs leaned against the railing as he watched his partner and daughter, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. He still remembered the day when they had brought Sarah home two years ago. Tony had been so scared of that he would screw the whole parent thing up, but he had turned out to be an excellent father. And Gibbs never grew tired of seeing them two together.

He walked up to them and took the girl from Tony when she reached out to him. He hugged her tight and gave her a light kiss on the temple before smiling down at her.

"Hey, kiddo", he said. "What is it that I hear about monsters hunting you?"

"They almost caught me this time, Papa", Sarah said earnestly and pressed her little form against him.

"They did? What did you do to get away?"

"I woke up, Papa. Just as you told me to do."

Gibbs smiled and caressed Sarah's soft curls. "Good girl. Ready to get back to sleep?"

Sarah nodded, but then she frowned and looked insecurely up at him.

"Can I sleep with you and Daddy tonight? Please?"

Gibbs looked over at Tony, who shrugged and then nodded with a smile.

"Of course you can."

They walked up to the bedroom and soon Gibbs found himself lying with Tony's head on his chest and Sarah lying in the crook of his arm on the other side, her head resting on his shoulder. He burrowed his nose in Tony's hair and wondered what Shannon and Kelly would've thought about Tony and Sarah. The next second he could have sworn that he heard Kelly's hearty laughter and felt Shannon's loving hand on his cheek. He smiled into the dark, a single tear falling down his cheek, and surrounded by his entire family, he fell asleep.

Tony smiled when he felt the body under him relax completely. He reached out, and carefully not to wake her up, he took Sarah's little hand in his. He sighed happily and just as he slipped into perfect rest and comfort, his ear filled with the soothing sound of heartbeats, he breathed in the three scents he loved the most.

The smell of Sarah. And the smell of coffee and sawdust.

THE END

* * *

**So what do ya think? All in all, I mean. I really want to know, so please tell me.**


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